Mainstreaming Mongo (A Play in Four Acts)

Act IV

Scene:  Mark and the principal are talking in the principal's office.

Principal:  What's got your tighty-whities in a knot today, Mark?

Mark:  I got this new kid in my class, this Mongo goof.  First thing he does is rip the desk apart.  He's actually sitting in the seat with no desktop.  Then I give him a book, he chews the cover off of it.  I try to find out how much he retained from his last school, and he grunts with one-word sentences.

Principal:  I know you hate jocks, but is the kid really that bad?

Mark:  You wait.  I told him to meet us here.  Where is he?  Probably got lost walking here from the other end of the hall, for chrissakes.  I mean, wait till you get a load of this moose.

(John enters stage left)

Principal:  John Mongostovich, isn't it?  Come on in and sit down.  Do you know why you're here?

John:  Only that Mister Sengles told me to skip lunch and meet him here.

Principal:  Mister Sengles tells me you chewed the cover off of one of his textbooks.

John:  What?  Sir, this is the only book he gave me in class (pulls out intact book from bookbag).

Principal:  I see.  John, why don't you wait out in the secretary's office a minute?

John:  Yes, sir.  Oh, and Mister Sengles?  The cause of WWII was the Treaty of Versailles; the military-industrial complex created jobs and provided state-of-the-art weaponry for our military, and we became involved in Vietnam because we misconstrued a nationalist movement as the spread of communism.  Those are simplistic answers to your questions, of course, but I think they adequately belie their premise, which is that you think I'm an illiterate Neanderthal.  (John exits stage left.)

Principal:  Mark, have you thought about what you'll do when you're finished with teaching?

Mark:  That was a setup.  I'll fix their asses.  Besides, you can't fire me.  I've got tenure and a union.

Principal:  No, but I can excess you.  How does day-to-day subbing sound?  You know, not knowing where you'll be one day to the next, running around all over the city.  And kids just love subs.  I give you six weeks, tops.

Mark:  Okay, okay.  What do you want?

Principal:  I want no more complaints from parents of athletes about your grading methods.  I want you to send me every assignment and test paper of John's that you grade.  And I want to see your mark period grades before you turn them in.  We're done here.  Send John in on your way out.

(Mark exits stage left; John enters.)

Principal:  I bet if I walk down to your classroom I'll find all the desks in perfect working order.

John:  Far as I know, sir.  I mean, why wouldn't they be?

Principal:  You're a smart kid, John.  Maybe too smart.  I'm gonna be watching you.  Now get out of here.  Go see the coach and sign up for football.

John:  Yes, sir!  And, sir?  I'd appreciate it if you called me...Mongo!

(Final curtain.  Wild applause and cries of "Author!  Author!" fill the theater.)