Me Castle, Su Castle

The "Castle Doctrine" gives Ohioans the right to use lethal force to protect their person and property, but the Butler County prosecutor said that does not mean a homeowner may arbitrarily blow away an intruder.

"While your home is and should be respected as your castle, the use of deadly force must actually be used in self-defense and not just because someone has unlawfully entered your castle," said he.

The prosecutor neglected to suggest steps a homeowner might take to avoid performing a post-partum abortion on a home invader, so I've come up with a few. Feel free to clip and laminate them for use as a checklist in case your home suffers a break-in.

Step 1: Charm the perp. Perhaps you remember the scene in "Young Frankenstein", wherein "Fronk-un-steen" has himself locked in a room with the monster after giving instructions that he is not to be released, no matter how much he begs and pleads. After begging and pleading to no avail, he attempts to engage the monster through flattery. Next thing you know, they're on stage "puttin' on the Ritz." The monster just needed a little self-esteem, a little love, don't you know.

You've been awakened by a noise; you get out of bed to investigate, and you find yourself face-to-face with an armed burglar. Look him straight in the eye and, with a smile, say, "My, how big and strong you are! And clever, too! You managed to gain entry to our humble abode without benefit of key and without setting off our alarm. Did you disconnect it yourself? What skill! Bet you could have been an electrical engineer! How proud your folks must be!"

Step 2: Empathize with him. "Been on hard times, huh? What, you get downsized? Can't find another job? I understand. After all, you gotta eat, right? How 'bout if I get my wife in here to fix us an early breakfast? How do you like your eggs?"

Step 3: Offer solutions. "Tell you what. Why don't you just put that gun down--what is that, anyway? A .357? Nice piece of hardware that--have some food, and we'll make up the guest room for you. Things always look better after a good night's sleep. Say, when's the last time you got laid? Honey? Come here and meet our visitor. No, that's okay, you don't have to put on anything."

Step 4: Reassure him. "The cops? No, we haven't called the cops. What say we just leave them out of it. You look like a nice enough guy, just been having a run of bad luck, is all. What you need is a break, and fella, you've come to the right place."

If you've followed these steps carefully, by now the perp has probably given up his gun and is hugging you while crying uncontrollably on your shoulder. And butterflies are flitting about, birds are singing, the sky is blue, little puppies and kitties frolic together on your lawn, and warring armies all over the planet have thrown down their arms, joined hands and are singing Kumbaya.

I'm not afraid of criminals. Generally they are dumber than the rest of us, and sooner or later they will get theirs, one way or another.

What scares me are prosecutors who are concerned about the safety of these thugs. I want prosecutors who will thank me if I pop some piece of anal debris I find in my house without an invitation. After all, I would be saving the government the expense of trying and locking him up, never mind sparing the next victim down the road.

Of course, I could be wrong--novel as that concept is.