Paranoids will tell you that just because you think someone is out to get you doesn't mean there isn't. The same holds true with conspiracy theorists. Just because you think that every event is the result of plotting by some nefarious group doesn't mean it isn't.
History is fraught with coincidence. There are those who believe it is also fraught with conspiracy. Pearl Harbor, some believe, was set up by President Roosevelt, who was desperate for a way to sway public opinion away from isolationism to wanting the US to join the war. They point to the fact that all of our aircraft carriers were sent to sea, while outdated and obsolete battleships and destroyers were left as sitting ducks. They also believe Lyndon Johnson turned a whitecap into a torpedo attack against US Navy vessels in the Gulf of Tonkin to get a blank check from Congress to commit combat troops to Vietnam.
In the interest of full disclosure, so you know whence I am coming, I am a card-carrying cynic. No question about it. I believe the scenarios described in the preceding paragraph are both plausible and probable, especially Johnson's. I'd like to offer another possibility of conspiracy for your considered judgment. To gather evidence in its support, I dispatched my bugbot to the law offices of William Turner, attorney for IRS official Lois Lerner. Let's listen to their conversation....
"I tell you, Bill, they're going to push me onto the tracks for this, right in front of the Express!"
"We're not going to let that happen, Lois, We've got to come up with a strategy that gets you off the hook."
"How the hell are we going to do that? Look. BO's henchmen--lackeys, really--told me to target all the redneck Tea Party groups looking for tax exemptions. Okay, so I did. Mission accomplished. The Republicans were seriously handicapped going into the 2010 and 2012 elections, and BO won reelection. Now, he expresses outrage that we did what we were told. What's really got his shorts wedged up his nether hole is that we were caught. I'm going to end up being the scapegoat for this, just you watch!"
"Listen, when you go in front of the Oversight Committee, plead the Fifth."
"Yeah, right. That'd be like throwing chum into the ocean among swimmers. Those sharks would be all over me like a wetsuit on a SCUBA diver."
"Well, you can always tell the committee what it wants to hear."
"What, 'fess up and rat them out? Are you crazy? That's your advice? Not only would my career be dead, but does the word "drone" mean anything to you?"
"Okay, here's what you do. When you appear before the committee, you make an opening statement wherein you say that you are innocent and that you will plead the Fifth instead of answering any questions."
"I can't do that! If I make an opening statement, I de facto waive my right to plead the Fifth. The only way I can plead the Fifth is to not say anything, anything at all!"
"You know that, and I know that. That's the idea. See, the committee will seize on that point of law and subpoena you to come back and answer their questions. You'll be off the hook. You'll be answering their questions because you're being forced to, not because you have turned against the White House."
"Brilliant! That way I can say, look, I didn't want to testify. I was willing to fall on my sword, but I had no choice. What could I have done, besides either lie or again refuse to testify and go to jail?"
"Exactly! The White House can't tell you to lie. If you go to jail, that's even better. You'll be a stand-up girl! Hell, you'll be a martyr! They'll cite you in classes for new IRS agent trainees!"
"Of course, you'll take flak for giving me the contradictory acvice to make an opening statement before pleading the Fifth. I mean, that's such a rookie mistake in the law."
"Oh, it all depends on what the goal is. The goal here is to keep you whole. Besides, any lawyer who reviews this case and thinks about it will recognize our ruse for what it is--playing the suckers like a violin!"
After she appeared before the committee, Lois Lerner was asked to resign. She told her boss to kiss off and was suspended with pay.
So, members of the jury. Two lawyers, one the client of the other, both knowing that a witness cannot testify to something and plead the Fifth at the same time, yet the client does it anyway.
Stupid mistake or bold conspiracy? You decide....
Friday, May 24, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Dreamboat of the Delusional
Don't believe in time travel? I didn't either, until once I visited New Paltz.
New Paltz is a college town stuck in the late '60s, early '70s. Students there are still protesting the Vietnam War. Tie-dyed t-shirts; peace symbols emblazoned on everything; co-eds sitting on curled up legs, with stringy hair and dirty, smelly bare feet; professors carrying their Little Red Books, images of Mao tattooed on their arms.
My late brother-in-law had taken me there, don't ask me why. He was a throwback of sorts himself. He resembled Jerry Garcia, but without the third trimester waistline, and when he volunteered to work a concession at Woodstock II to avoid paying the admission, he carried around an empty guitar case to complete the image and to get the double-take from all the young, unwashed hippie wannabes.
That was my trip to the past. I've just sent my bugbot into the future to 2050--it could happen--to eavesdrop and transmit back to me this discussion among St Petersburg city commissioners. Let's listen in....
"We have got to do something to take our game to the next level. The way we are now we'll always be a little city, a petty city."
"I thought we achieved first-tier status when we finally completed our light rail system."
"Quite frankly, that hasn't worked out for us. It ran $300 million over budget, it's bleeding us dry on operating and maintenance costs, and no one is riding it."
"Well, what do you suggest?"
"Ferries! That's the ticket! Think about it--what does New York City have that we don't? It has two airports; we have one on this side of the bay and Tampa International on the other. It has rail; we have rail. The one thing that sets it apart, that puts it over the top, is a ferry system."
"Ferries? Where would we run them?"
"You don't get it. It doesn't matter where they run or whether anyone would ride them, it only matters that we have them. We need to show the country that we can run with the big dogs, and since the biggest dog of all has a ferry system, we have to have one, too."
"I don't know if we can sell ferries. Our predecessors had a hell of a time selling light rail. The only way they managed to get it approved was by underestimating the numbers and overestimating projected ridership."
"Yeah, they told voters it would cost $700 million for its 26-mile line from Clearwater to St Pete, and it ended up costing $1 billion! And that was just for construction and start-up costs."
"And think about this--not one of the commissioners who supported it was reelected."
"But ferries are different. I mean, the ocean is already there. All we need to do is buy a couple of boats."
"And terminals at both ends, and hire crews, and set up a bureaucracy to handle the administrative end. We're on the edge of a slippery slope, here. I'm just sayin'...."
"No, what you're just saying is you're perfectly happy with the status quo, with us being on a par with, say, Naples or Miami. What if they started ferry service and we didn't? Mister Chairman, we cannot afford to sit back and lose the ferry race!"
New Paltz is a college town stuck in the late '60s, early '70s. Students there are still protesting the Vietnam War. Tie-dyed t-shirts; peace symbols emblazoned on everything; co-eds sitting on curled up legs, with stringy hair and dirty, smelly bare feet; professors carrying their Little Red Books, images of Mao tattooed on their arms.
My late brother-in-law had taken me there, don't ask me why. He was a throwback of sorts himself. He resembled Jerry Garcia, but without the third trimester waistline, and when he volunteered to work a concession at Woodstock II to avoid paying the admission, he carried around an empty guitar case to complete the image and to get the double-take from all the young, unwashed hippie wannabes.
That was my trip to the past. I've just sent my bugbot into the future to 2050--it could happen--to eavesdrop and transmit back to me this discussion among St Petersburg city commissioners. Let's listen in....
"We have got to do something to take our game to the next level. The way we are now we'll always be a little city, a petty city."
"I thought we achieved first-tier status when we finally completed our light rail system."
"Quite frankly, that hasn't worked out for us. It ran $300 million over budget, it's bleeding us dry on operating and maintenance costs, and no one is riding it."
"Well, what do you suggest?"
"Ferries! That's the ticket! Think about it--what does New York City have that we don't? It has two airports; we have one on this side of the bay and Tampa International on the other. It has rail; we have rail. The one thing that sets it apart, that puts it over the top, is a ferry system."
"Ferries? Where would we run them?"
"You don't get it. It doesn't matter where they run or whether anyone would ride them, it only matters that we have them. We need to show the country that we can run with the big dogs, and since the biggest dog of all has a ferry system, we have to have one, too."
"I don't know if we can sell ferries. Our predecessors had a hell of a time selling light rail. The only way they managed to get it approved was by underestimating the numbers and overestimating projected ridership."
"Yeah, they told voters it would cost $700 million for its 26-mile line from Clearwater to St Pete, and it ended up costing $1 billion! And that was just for construction and start-up costs."
"And think about this--not one of the commissioners who supported it was reelected."
"But ferries are different. I mean, the ocean is already there. All we need to do is buy a couple of boats."
"And terminals at both ends, and hire crews, and set up a bureaucracy to handle the administrative end. We're on the edge of a slippery slope, here. I'm just sayin'...."
"No, what you're just saying is you're perfectly happy with the status quo, with us being on a par with, say, Naples or Miami. What if they started ferry service and we didn't? Mister Chairman, we cannot afford to sit back and lose the ferry race!"
Saturday, May 11, 2013
No MENSA Candidates, These
James Lee Minyard, 41, told Tampa police they had him all wrong.
"Hell, ah weren't gonna hurt nobody. Tha's muh hobby, doncha see. Hit's whut ah do tuh relax."
"Funny hobby, there, Jimmy, building bombs."
"Ah can see whar some folks might think tha'. But tha's how ah roll, always doin' somethin' different, thinkin' outside the box, so to speak."
"Don't you think that it might be kind of dangerous?"
"Yeah, well, tha's the challenge, hain't hit? See, ah never finished high school, an' ah wanted tuh do somethin' challengin', complete somethin' fer uh change, so ah set mahsel' tuh doin' this. An' y'all can see fer yerself, I did hit! I really did hit!"
"But you blew off two of your fingers."
"Well, thar is tha'. But no pain, no gain, ah always say."
When they searched Jimmy's home, cops found six more bombs, made of chemicals and both PVC and cardboard tubes, and journals that contained technical information about bomb making.
Jimmy was charged with six counts of making a destructive device.
While Jimmy was sitting in the slam contemplating the loss of his fingers and awaiting a hearing to determine whether his $12,000 bail should be revoked, 20-year-old Bryan Zuniga was in jail in St Petersburg recovering from bite wounds and scratches.
Bryan's wildlife adventure began in the wee small of a Thursday morning as he was driving through the streets of St Pete. A sheriff's deputy observed his vehicle weaving in its lane and attempted to pull him over. Bryan stopped his car, jumped out of the passenger door, and took off running.
That was his first mistake. His second was his decision to kick a hole in a vinyl fence that was obstructing his escape route. His third, and at once the most stupid and dangerous, was to jump into a pond behind a water treatment plant.
See, when you step into any body of water in Florida, especially fresh water, you step down from the top of the food chain. Bryan would have had better luck had he ran afoul of a K9.
St Pete police were called to St Petersburg General Hospital for what was described as an "animal attack." The patient told cops that he had been walking home when he stopped at a bridge to watch fish jump. He said he somehow fell into the water and was attacked by an alligator. He suffered bites to his face and an arm.
Since the location of the bidge was in an unincorporated area of Pinellas County, the cops called the Sheriff's Office. Sheriff's Office deputies connected the dots. Bryan was booked into the Pinellas County slam on charges of breaking or injuring a fence, fleeing and eluding, driving with a suspended or revoked license, and resisting an officer without violence. He was held on $6,300 bail.
Concerning these two wastes of human souls, a few observations:
1. What's scary about these twin sons of different mothers is that they can breed and vote.
2. I understand how one might "break" a fence. How does one "injure" a fence?
3. Still don't believe in zombies?
"Hell, ah weren't gonna hurt nobody. Tha's muh hobby, doncha see. Hit's whut ah do tuh relax."
"Funny hobby, there, Jimmy, building bombs."
"Ah can see whar some folks might think tha'. But tha's how ah roll, always doin' somethin' different, thinkin' outside the box, so to speak."
"Don't you think that it might be kind of dangerous?"
"Yeah, well, tha's the challenge, hain't hit? See, ah never finished high school, an' ah wanted tuh do somethin' challengin', complete somethin' fer uh change, so ah set mahsel' tuh doin' this. An' y'all can see fer yerself, I did hit! I really did hit!"
"But you blew off two of your fingers."
"Well, thar is tha'. But no pain, no gain, ah always say."
When they searched Jimmy's home, cops found six more bombs, made of chemicals and both PVC and cardboard tubes, and journals that contained technical information about bomb making.
Jimmy was charged with six counts of making a destructive device.
While Jimmy was sitting in the slam contemplating the loss of his fingers and awaiting a hearing to determine whether his $12,000 bail should be revoked, 20-year-old Bryan Zuniga was in jail in St Petersburg recovering from bite wounds and scratches.
Bryan's wildlife adventure began in the wee small of a Thursday morning as he was driving through the streets of St Pete. A sheriff's deputy observed his vehicle weaving in its lane and attempted to pull him over. Bryan stopped his car, jumped out of the passenger door, and took off running.
That was his first mistake. His second was his decision to kick a hole in a vinyl fence that was obstructing his escape route. His third, and at once the most stupid and dangerous, was to jump into a pond behind a water treatment plant.
See, when you step into any body of water in Florida, especially fresh water, you step down from the top of the food chain. Bryan would have had better luck had he ran afoul of a K9.
St Pete police were called to St Petersburg General Hospital for what was described as an "animal attack." The patient told cops that he had been walking home when he stopped at a bridge to watch fish jump. He said he somehow fell into the water and was attacked by an alligator. He suffered bites to his face and an arm.
Since the location of the bidge was in an unincorporated area of Pinellas County, the cops called the Sheriff's Office. Sheriff's Office deputies connected the dots. Bryan was booked into the Pinellas County slam on charges of breaking or injuring a fence, fleeing and eluding, driving with a suspended or revoked license, and resisting an officer without violence. He was held on $6,300 bail.
Concerning these two wastes of human souls, a few observations:
1. What's scary about these twin sons of different mothers is that they can breed and vote.
2. I understand how one might "break" a fence. How does one "injure" a fence?
3. Still don't believe in zombies?
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Why I Love Florida!
Hello, Alice. Welcome to Wonderland!
If you could make up this stuff, you'd be on a par with such writers of fantasy as Paul Krugman, Rachael Maddow, Tom Teepen, and our local version of Baghdad Bob, Robyn Blumner.
Where There's a Will, There's a Won't:
One of Tampa Bay's hot button issues is the proliferation of cats. The problem is classic catch-22: First, they breed like rabbits. Hillsborough County has as many as 200,000 feral and freerangers. At their present rate of kittenbirth they'll soon be to Tampa what chickens are to Key West. Second, no one wants to "put them down." What to do, what to do?
Comes along outside the box thinker Ian Hallett, who suggests a program to sterilize a max of 2,000 cats a year and release them with a microchip and identifying notched ear. That way, the cats are removed from the gene pool and saved from the big sleep.
Win, win, right? Not so fast, Blofeld. See, cats, being cats, kill birds, whether they're "fixed" or not. Releasing these fowl murderers has vets, bird lovers and feline haters all upset. So, we're left with a choice--scraping cat do-do off our shoes, or washing bird crap off our cars. Some menu, huh? Either way, one species or the other is gonna suffer some losses. Ya just can't please everybody.
Planning Ahead:
If you're going to whack someone, you might want to set up a bolt-hole and plan your escape before you pull the trigger.
Accused of killing a woman at his home, 18-year-old Morris Vernell Hires III left town. So far, so good. But then, inexplicably, he came back.
Cops showed up at his house with a dog and began a search. The dog found him hiding in a baby's crib, perhaps sucking his thumb. Apparently not trained to abide stupidity, the dog bit him.
911 Is Not the Number for Home Delivery:
34-year-old Jarvis Sutton, St Petersburg, got a thirst for Kool-Aid, a hunger for burgers, and a craving for weed, all at the same time. So he did what any pothead in such an emergency would do. He called 911. 80 times. In one day.
The cops arrested him and took him to jail. Along the way he tried to satisfy his needs for sugar, grease and Maui wowie by chewing the foam attached to the metal caging in the back of the police car. I have no clue what percentage of the RDA of nutritional sustenance is provided by foam, but I doubt it's substantive.
When Not to Toke:
The softball game ended. The Hernando High School team made its way back to the school bus. Alas, they did not have the machetes they would need to hack their way through the marijuana fog that permeated the vehicle.
When police attempted to have school bus driver Donna Rogers, 59, perform field sobriety tests, she "became irate, yelling and cursing," according to the report. She was arrested on a charge of resisting arrest without violence and was jailed in lieu of $150 bail.
If you went to Vegas or Branson, you'd pay big bucks for an hour or two of yuks at a comedy venue. Florida, on the other hand, is a comedy venue, a 24/7 SNL skit. You just can't buy this kind of amusement anywhere else.
If you could make up this stuff, you'd be on a par with such writers of fantasy as Paul Krugman, Rachael Maddow, Tom Teepen, and our local version of Baghdad Bob, Robyn Blumner.
Where There's a Will, There's a Won't:
One of Tampa Bay's hot button issues is the proliferation of cats. The problem is classic catch-22: First, they breed like rabbits. Hillsborough County has as many as 200,000 feral and freerangers. At their present rate of kittenbirth they'll soon be to Tampa what chickens are to Key West. Second, no one wants to "put them down." What to do, what to do?
Comes along outside the box thinker Ian Hallett, who suggests a program to sterilize a max of 2,000 cats a year and release them with a microchip and identifying notched ear. That way, the cats are removed from the gene pool and saved from the big sleep.
Win, win, right? Not so fast, Blofeld. See, cats, being cats, kill birds, whether they're "fixed" or not. Releasing these fowl murderers has vets, bird lovers and feline haters all upset. So, we're left with a choice--scraping cat do-do off our shoes, or washing bird crap off our cars. Some menu, huh? Either way, one species or the other is gonna suffer some losses. Ya just can't please everybody.
Planning Ahead:
If you're going to whack someone, you might want to set up a bolt-hole and plan your escape before you pull the trigger.
Accused of killing a woman at his home, 18-year-old Morris Vernell Hires III left town. So far, so good. But then, inexplicably, he came back.
Cops showed up at his house with a dog and began a search. The dog found him hiding in a baby's crib, perhaps sucking his thumb. Apparently not trained to abide stupidity, the dog bit him.
911 Is Not the Number for Home Delivery:
34-year-old Jarvis Sutton, St Petersburg, got a thirst for Kool-Aid, a hunger for burgers, and a craving for weed, all at the same time. So he did what any pothead in such an emergency would do. He called 911. 80 times. In one day.
The cops arrested him and took him to jail. Along the way he tried to satisfy his needs for sugar, grease and Maui wowie by chewing the foam attached to the metal caging in the back of the police car. I have no clue what percentage of the RDA of nutritional sustenance is provided by foam, but I doubt it's substantive.
When Not to Toke:
The softball game ended. The Hernando High School team made its way back to the school bus. Alas, they did not have the machetes they would need to hack their way through the marijuana fog that permeated the vehicle.
When police attempted to have school bus driver Donna Rogers, 59, perform field sobriety tests, she "became irate, yelling and cursing," according to the report. She was arrested on a charge of resisting arrest without violence and was jailed in lieu of $150 bail.
If you went to Vegas or Branson, you'd pay big bucks for an hour or two of yuks at a comedy venue. Florida, on the other hand, is a comedy venue, a 24/7 SNL skit. You just can't buy this kind of amusement anywhere else.
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