Saturday, June 30, 2012

Movies Ain't History, Plutarch!

Just recently I watched Buffalo Girls, which purported to be a biography of Calamity Jane, with Angelica Huston in the title role.  Afterwards, as is my wont, I researched what history was available on the subject.  Here's the thing--when the facts about a person or subject are known, or are easy to look up, you can't credibly revise them to fit your script.  You got that, Oliver?

Calamity Jane indeed had the unrequited hots for Wild Bill Hickok.  The movie shows us that she bore Wild Bill a daughter, whom she gave up to an English couple who had just lost their own.  That would have been one hell of a gestation period.  Jane's real life daughter was born three years after Wild Bill was murdered while playing cards in Deadwood.

Speaking of Deadwood, remember the TV series?  You know, where Seth Bullock was diddling the widow of a murdered prospector until his wife, whom he married out of a sense of responsibility when her husband, his brother, was killed, showed up in town?  In reality, Bullock arrived in town with his wife, to whom he was happily married.  And in case you're interested, Al Swearengen was killed when, while down on his luck, he tried to hop a freight train.

Other movies pretending to be history abound.  Practically nothing, for example, is accurate about Lawrence of Arabia, except that it does glimpse WWI as it played out between the English-supported Arabs and the Turks.  T. E. Lawrence, not even five feet tall, looked nothing like six-foot-plus, blond hair, blue-eyed Peter O'Toole.  I suppose in Hollywood, where image is everything, heroes must look heroic, not like some swarthy, dwarfish everyman.  Auda abu Tuyi, whom Lawrence met in a tent, not while dancing around in Arabic garb, did resemble Anthony Quinn in looks, but was not the semi-literate lummox portrayed in the film.

The Bridge on the River Kwai, which looked nothing like the one in the movie, was blown up by allied bombers, not commandos.  The experiences of Dith Pran as depicted in The Killing Fields were part his and part those of the actor who portrayed him, Haing S. Ngor.

Practically all the movies about Wyatt Earp take liberties with reality.  My Daughter Clementine (Henry Fonda) borders on fantasy.  Gunfight at the OK Corral (Burt Lancaster) has Earp's brother, Jimmy, murdered instead of Morgan.  Tombstone (Kurt Russell) shows Earp visiting Doc Holliday in a Glenwood Springs sanatorium just before Holliday dies from TB.  In fact, Holliday and Earp rarely saw each other in Colorado, and Holliday died alone in a seedy hotel room.  Wyatt Earp (Kevin Costner) is the most historically accurate of all the Earp films.

Movies about the Vietnam War also earn mixed reviews.  Apocalypse Now isn't really a war movie, it just happens to be set in a war environment.  It does offer vignettes of the war--the USO show disintegrating into chaos, the napalming of a village--but the plot could just as easily have involved the hunting down of a rogue cop or spy who had crossed the line.

Platoon was Oliver Stone's anti-military paean.  The Green Berets was blatantly pro-military.  While diametrically opposite, both focused on the military and thus missed the whole point, that five presidents, convinced that a bunch of rice farmers was a threat to the most powerful nation on the planet, dragged the US into a land war in Asia that resulted in millions of wasted lives.

For my money, the best Vietnam War movie is Full Metal Jacket.  It is neither anti- nor pro-military.  It presents the inhumanity of war in very human terms--the false bravado of men secretly soiling their underwear, the outwardly blase reaction to death that masks the relief that it wasn't theirs, the black humor they used in an attempt to make light of the nightmare.

Movies are like pro-wrestling.  They are entertainment.  You want history?  Go to the library.  You want amusement?  Go to the movies.  You want real mayhem in the ring?  Watch mixed martial arts.

Okay, girl?

Sunday, June 24, 2012

It's Democracy, Stupid!

One of the tenets of Dave's Tao is, "When considering a choice between one thing or another, consider also both or neither."

Last I heard, democracy is about choice.  One goes to the polls and chooses between one candidate or another.  Or, one may choose not to go to the polls at all.  It is a sad documentary on our citizenry that fewer than 60 per cent actually exercise their vote in presidential elections.  In local elections the figure is probably closer to 30 per cent.  Still, that's the nature of democracy.

Democracy : choice.  Get the concept.

Peter Orszag is vice chairman of global banking at Citigroup Inc and a former director of the OMB for the present administration.  One does not rise to a top-tier position with an international corporation without high-powered smarts.  A high-level position in the Obama Administration, well, not so much.  After all, look at Joe Biden.

Still, Orszag doesn't get it, this whole democracy thing.  In an op-ed piece published in the June 21 issue of the Tampa Bay Times, he argues for compulsory voting.

"The probability that any individual voter can alter the outcome of an election is effectively zero," he writes.  "So if voting imposes any cost, in terms of time or hassle, a perfectly rational person would conclude it's not worth doing.  The problem is that if each person were to reach such a rational conclusion no one would vote, and the system would collapse.  Mandatory voting solves that collective problem by requiring people to vote and punishing nonvoters with a fine."

Mandatory democracy?  How oxymoronic!  Moreover, does Orszag imply that democracy is irrational?

I'm not going to reproduce his whole thesis.  Google Peter Orszag and I'm sure it'll crop under one menu option or another.  More interesting to me is visualizing possible scenarios for enforcing such a requirement.

First thing we're going to need is a cabinet-level Department of Voter Enforcement, with an attending bureaucracy of regional, state and local offices.  Thousands of officers will have to be hired to roust those of voting age ffrom their residences and get them to the nearest polling place.  Courts will have to be established to adjudicate recalcitrant folks who just won't get with the program.

Next, we'll have to root these people out.  We'll have to bang on cardboard boxes in back alleys and under overpasses.  We'll have to raid NASCAR and WWE venues.  We'll either have to set up polling facilities in the nation's slams, or transport prisoners en masse to community polling locations.

A requirement of a poli sci course on political parties that I completed had me going to a number of houses to interview people whose names were provided me from a voter registration list.  I was to ask each a series of questions, one of which was for whom the voter was going to vote.

"Whichever one is the Democrat," was one answer.

"Why the Democrat?" I asked.

"'Cause my diddy and grandiddy were Democrats, so I am, too."

Another interviewee also responded Democrat, because that's what his boss was.

Mandatory voting will cost millions to administer and enforce, and for what?  So we can say that at last we have a president elected by a majority of citizens, not just a majority of voters?

Quantity < quality.  Get the concept.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Two Updates

Follow-up to "Welcome RNC!"

As you know, the RNC chose Tampa to host its convention.  Tampa, not unaware of the fringe elements of the Gimme Party that follow Republicans around the country with their hands out, has actually held a lottery to determine which group of malcontents may express its discontent in which park.

Using a borrowed Bingo numbers machine, city attorneys chose ping pong balls, each numbered to identify a specific group, to assign groups to parks.  The winners then have until June 29 to accept or reject their assignment.  My guess is that most will be rejected just because the malcontents making the requests will, by nature, not be contented with the results.

The choice site has gone to the proletarian icon Service Employees International Union.  The group which has no other apparent purpose than to frustrate the attempt of Republicans to participate in the democratic process, the Coalition to March on the RNC, one of two runners-up for this particular park, has promised to bring 5,000 people to downtown Tampa.

Planned Parenthood, pro-abortionists who believe Republicans have declared war on women, and the March Against Voter Suppression, made up of those who realize the only way the Gimme Party is going to win in Novemenber is to allow illegal immigrants and dead folks to vote, are among others in the lottery mix.

I know, and so do you, that there is no way these groups are going to remain in their assigned parks.  Their whole purpose is to disrupt the RNC as much as possible, and they will take to the streets to do it.  Much of their strategy will no doubt involve provoking the police into deploying riot control tactics so that their confrontations will be broadcast and reported as proof that Republicans are fascists.

While the media are drooling in anticipation of the RNC, they will have to be awakened from their ennui to cover the DNC.  The DNC is not likely to have any similar fodder for them, since all the malcontents are their own constituents.

Follow-up to "Stop This Madness NOW!"

David Belniak, who in a drug-induced stupor killed three people when he drove his pickup truck into a vehicle stopped at a red light, testified to the pain he suffered as a result.  As proof of his pain, he pointed to a small, faded scar on his left elbow.

"That scar is permanent," said his lawyer, who is also his sister.  "I would request Mr Belniak be allowed to publish that scar to the jury."

The judge allowed it.  Belniak had to shuffle over to the jury in his shackles because the scar could not be seen from his court bench.

Belniak's sister has also filed a suit against the FHP, whose investigation she claims was a "government-sanctioned assassination against one individual."  She discounts eyewitness accounts because they "were not taken at the scene, but were taken after the witnesses were contaminated and after being exposed to the massive negative media coverage against Belniak."

The jury found that Belniak was the only one at fault in the crash and awarded $14 million to family members, including $4.5 million to each of the three sisters whose parents were killed.

Ever wonder why lawyers are ranked somewhere near the bottom of the food chain with used car salespersons and telemarketers?  Belniak suffered minor injuries and was released from the hospital the day after the crash, yet his sister wants his victims' estates to pay for his pain, suffering, mental anguish and hospital bills.  She also wants the FHP to pay for doing its job, because its findings did not support her case.

This is why I could never be a judge.  Not only would I have tossed Belniak's lawsuit immediately upon its filing, I would also have tossed his layer out of my courtroom and told her if she ever set foot in it again I would jail her for contempt.

And that's my ruling.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Stop This Madness NOW!

Once in a while there comes along an idea so obviously brilliant, so irrefutable in its logic, so necessary in its fruition, that the fact it has fallen on deaf ears defies even the most elementary understanding.  I shall try once more to rally the rational among us to its immediate subscription.

The time has long since passed, children, to enact a law that assigns responsibility for a person's actions to that person.  I know what you're saying.  "Dave, it's only common sense that each of us is responsible for our own behavior.  We don't need a law to tell us that."

Well, you are wrong, bailiff-breath.  Apparently we do.

On Christmas afternoon in 2007, according to eyewitnesses, Ray McWilliams, his wife, 50-year-old step-daughter and mother of three, and 51-year-old son-in-law were sitting at a red light in Ray's Chevrolet Tahoe.

Fast approaching from behind was David Belniak, driving his Nissan Titan pickup truck.  He was stoned, surprise, surprise, on a combination of Xanax, alcohol and cocaine.  Without braking, swerving or slowing down, Belniak plowed into the rear end of the Tahoe.

Ray's son-in-law died at the scene.  His step-daughter was taken to a hospital and into surgery.  She didn't make it.  His wife suffered a traumatic brain injury and was taken off life support a few days after the crash.  Ray died last year.

Belniak pleaded guilty last August to three counts of DUI manslaughter and is serving 12 years in the slam.  He got off easy.

End of story, right?  Ha!  Silly you!

The family of the victims has sued Belniak.  Fair enough.  But here's where it gets insane.  You see, Belniak has countersued, claiming now that the accident was really Ray McWilliams' fault.  In spite of eyewitness testimony and Ray's deposition that he and his family were just sitting at a red light, Belniak alleges that Ray swerved from the left turn lane into the through lane, giving Belniak no chance to stop.

"You were impaired at the time of the accident, is that correct?" asked the victims' family's attorney.

"I can't deny that," Belniak replied.

"Do you take or accept any blame for this accident?" asked the judge.

"I don't know what I could have done differently," answered Belniak.

Seriously, Sparky?  Perhaps not mixing booze and coke with Xanax and then hopping behind the wheel of your pickup?  Hell, you weren't even going to stop for the red light, were you?

Belniak's lawsuit should have been thrown out immediately upon its filing.  And if the law I have been urging passage of were on the books, it would have been.  Here yet again is its essence:

Any death, personal injury and/or property damage that results during the commission of or fleeing from the scene of a crime will be solely the responsibility of the person(s) determined to be guilty.

So how 'bout it?  You with me on this?

 

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Welcome, RNC!

Dear delegate,

You really couldn't have picked a better time or location for your convention than Tampa in August:  temperatures in the low nineties, middle of hurricane season, 30 per cent chance of rain every day.

Be aware that there's a difference in rain chances here than there is up north.  30 per cent chance of rain up there means there's a 30 per cent chance it will rain.  Here, 30 per cent chance means it will rain, 100 per cent guaranteed, with a 30 per cent chance it will rain on you.

Don't count on experiencing the thrill of a hurricane, either.  In our 15 years here, the worst we've seen just did manage to trash our yard and pool.  Kind of disappointing, really.  Nothing like a good blow to invigorate the spirit.

Bet you thought since you were coming to Tampa you could look forward to days frolicking in the sun on white sandy beaches with occasional dips in the surf.  Maybe, if you have lots of free time from your convention-related duties.  See, the decent beaches are about 25-plus miles west of where you'll be.  There is a beach that is technically in Tampa, at Rocky Point.  Go ahead and go.  There you'll be able to mingle with the hoi polloi, see how the locals kick back.  Or go across the bay to the redneck beach on the Clearwater side of the causeway.

Probably, though, you'll want to stay pretty close to the convention center and your accommodations.  And in that case, here are a couple of options for your pleasure, both prurient and profligate.

As you are aware, Tampa is a T and A theme park.  Come on, now, 'fess up--that's probably why you chose us in the first place, isn't it?  And when I say "us" I don't mean literally.  I live across the bay from Tampa and look for excuses not to go there.  But I digress.

Besides the strip joints and nudie bars, Tampa's erotic venues have taken their art to a whole new level.  Don't want to take a chance on being spotted in, say, Mons Venus or the Odyssey and wake up to find that pictures of you stuffing $20 bills down G-strings have gone viral on the Internet?  Just log onto their Web sites and watch scantily-clad, awesomely endowed "dancers" doing the hootchy-cootchy across the screen of your Nook (there's a pun begging to be put into words).

Want more?  For a fee you can actually have intellectual discourse with one of these augmented hotties ("Really, how did a beau...uh...smart woman like you end up working in a place like this?").  For a cheap-at-twice-the-price rate of just $4 per minute, pocket change for one-per centers, you can ask for a personal striptease.

Not into flesh fantasies?  How 'bout reality voyeurism?

Some 15,000 unwashed and unshaven (male faces, female legs and pits) malcontents are expected to hit town to disrupt your attempt to participate in the democratic process.  This should be more fun than Mardi Gras, Gasparilla and Guavaveen combined.  Don't know what those last two are?  Trust me--you don't want to know.

Count on painted faces that would make Lady Gaga cringe with disgust.  Look for crude, handmade and often misspelled and grammatically incorrect signs.  Be ready to avert your eyes to the usage of building walls and shrubbery for urinals.  Step carefully as you try to walk to a restaurant through discarded beer cans, wine boxes, and discarded syringes and condoms.

And if this isn't bad enough, regional Occupy groups are planning to cause traffic jams on area bridges, holding general demonstrations outside venues expected to be frequented by politicians, and performing skits in public areas.

Think about this.  Since Chicago in 1968, when is the last time you've seen anything at a DNC like what awaits you here? 

Well, anyway, good luck, and enjoy your stay!