Florida Follies Redux

A couple of years ago--you remember--I posted a piece about an example of idiocy that makes Florida, well, Florida. At the time I predicted that it would come to no good. I was, of course, right.

First, some background.

Tampa and St Petersburg are the two main cities in the Tampa Bay area. St Pete is known for its proximity to world-class beaches, one of which regularly makes the country's top five list. Tampa is known for its strip bars and its proximity to Ybor City. Ybor City is where, if God was going to give the state an enema, He would insert the catheter.

Tampa is in Hillsborough County. Hillsborough County commissioners have, over the years, included an ex-professional wrestler; a sexual harasser; a homophobic, bible-thumping, book-banning female redneck, and others worthy of their own Comedy Central specials.

Those of us who live in Pinellas County, west of Tampa and the Bay, have long been amused by the antics of the Hillsborough County commissioners. Not so their constituents, many of whom support creating the office of county mayor, preferably someone strong enough to render the commission irrelevant.

Every once in a while, alas, St Petersburg will take a cue from its dysfunctional neighbor and make its own foray into the twilight zone.

Two years ago, St Pete bar owners decided that 2 a.m. was too early to have to close. Bars in Tampa, they argued, stay open until 3. They claimed they were losing money when their customers, who were not nearly sloshed enough at 2, were driving across the bridges for another hour on the sauce. This, they wailed, gave their cross-Bay competition unfair economic advantage. They petitioned the city council to allow them to remain open until 3.

The St Pete police chief, among others, opposed the change. You can guess why--drunker drunks on the road; more arrests for brawling, more urine stains on the sides of buildings, disorderly conduct, etc, etc; a shortage of cops, and budget overruns.

Nonsense, rebutted the council, more delusional than most "American Idol" contestants. After all, this isn't Tampa. Our drinkers will sip their coctails with pinkies extended, empty their bladders before they leave, and call cabs to take them home. It took them a mere three months to approve the later hour.

Well, guess what? In less than a year arrests had more than doubled on weekend nights. Just recently two men were shot at a downtown bar in a scene straight out of "Desperado".

You would think this would be enough to motivate the council to roll back closing hour to 2, wouldn't you? Well, you would be wrong, cordite-breath.

No, no. Rather than quit trying to screw the square peg into the round hole, the council has picked up a mallet and started hammering to make it fit. They are working on an ordinance that will require bars to hire off-duty cops, whose mission it will be to discourage drunks from shooting each other.

Just because there was one shooting, posited St Pete's mayor, doesn't mean we should go all knee-jerk. "The night of the incident, [my officers] were right across the street and inside of the place within 30 seconds," he said.

Gee, Sparky, doesn't that suggest that placing cops outside saloons will have about as much deterrent effect as telling a teenager that hair will grow on his palm if he...well, you know?

City councilwoman Leslie Curran, who voted against extending bar hours to 3 a.m., said, "We saw what was happening in Ybor City, and now you're seeing some of the same issues in St Pete. I didn't think it was necessary when we did it, and I still don't think it's necessary today."

An anomaly, she; a city council member with common sense. Ah, Leslie, you're no fun at all.

And that's my two cents. Keep the change.