Welcome, RNC!

Dear delegate,

You really couldn't have picked a better time or location for your convention than Tampa in August:  temperatures in the low nineties, middle of hurricane season, 30 per cent chance of rain every day.

Be aware that there's a difference in rain chances here than there is up north.  30 per cent chance of rain up there means there's a 30 per cent chance it will rain.  Here, 30 per cent chance means it will rain, 100 per cent guaranteed, with a 30 per cent chance it will rain on you.

Don't count on experiencing the thrill of a hurricane, either.  In our 15 years here, the worst we've seen just did manage to trash our yard and pool.  Kind of disappointing, really.  Nothing like a good blow to invigorate the spirit.

Bet you thought since you were coming to Tampa you could look forward to days frolicking in the sun on white sandy beaches with occasional dips in the surf.  Maybe, if you have lots of free time from your convention-related duties.  See, the decent beaches are about 25-plus miles west of where you'll be.  There is a beach that is technically in Tampa, at Rocky Point.  Go ahead and go.  There you'll be able to mingle with the hoi polloi, see how the locals kick back.  Or go across the bay to the redneck beach on the Clearwater side of the causeway.

Probably, though, you'll want to stay pretty close to the convention center and your accommodations.  And in that case, here are a couple of options for your pleasure, both prurient and profligate.

As you are aware, Tampa is a T and A theme park.  Come on, now, 'fess up--that's probably why you chose us in the first place, isn't it?  And when I say "us" I don't mean literally.  I live across the bay from Tampa and look for excuses not to go there.  But I digress.

Besides the strip joints and nudie bars, Tampa's erotic venues have taken their art to a whole new level.  Don't want to take a chance on being spotted in, say, Mons Venus or the Odyssey and wake up to find that pictures of you stuffing $20 bills down G-strings have gone viral on the Internet?  Just log onto their Web sites and watch scantily-clad, awesomely endowed "dancers" doing the hootchy-cootchy across the screen of your Nook (there's a pun begging to be put into words).

Want more?  For a fee you can actually have intellectual discourse with one of these augmented hotties ("Really, how did a beau...uh...smart woman like you end up working in a place like this?").  For a cheap-at-twice-the-price rate of just $4 per minute, pocket change for one-per centers, you can ask for a personal striptease.

Not into flesh fantasies?  How 'bout reality voyeurism?

Some 15,000 unwashed and unshaven (male faces, female legs and pits) malcontents are expected to hit town to disrupt your attempt to participate in the democratic process.  This should be more fun than Mardi Gras, Gasparilla and Guavaveen combined.  Don't know what those last two are?  Trust me--you don't want to know.

Count on painted faces that would make Lady Gaga cringe with disgust.  Look for crude, handmade and often misspelled and grammatically incorrect signs.  Be ready to avert your eyes to the usage of building walls and shrubbery for urinals.  Step carefully as you try to walk to a restaurant through discarded beer cans, wine boxes, and discarded syringes and condoms.

And if this isn't bad enough, regional Occupy groups are planning to cause traffic jams on area bridges, holding general demonstrations outside venues expected to be frequented by politicians, and performing skits in public areas.

Think about this.  Since Chicago in 1968, when is the last time you've seen anything at a DNC like what awaits you here? 

Well, anyway, good luck, and enjoy your stay!