Different Strokes

Ohio is rather oddly sorted, geographically.  Montgomery, for example, is in Hamilton County, not Montgomery County.  Hamilton, on the other hand, is in Butler County, while Butler is in Richland County.  Warren is not in Warren County but in Trumbull County; Trumbull is in Ashtabula County.  Almost amusingly, Ashtabula is actually in Ashtabula County.

But all of this is really not apropos of anything connected with this sad tale of unrequited love.  Hmmm.  On second thought, maybe it is....

At 1:20 p.m. on June 17, Hamiltonian Edwin Charles Tobergta, 34, stepped out of his home clad in only his skin and proceeded to have sex with a pool float which the neighbors had set out by the trash.  The neighbor's 10-year-old daughter, who had witnessed him doing the nasty with the float, ran to her mother yelling, "Mom, Edwin's doing something weird out there!"

Edwin was arrested on a charge of public indecency.  In accordance with the provisions of the Freedom of Information Act, I was able to obtain a transcript of the arrest interview.

"Well, here we are again, Edwin."

"Huh?"

"Remember two years ago when we busted you for having your way with a neighbor's pool float?"

"Well, I...."

"And in 2006, while you were in the slam for public indecency, you exposed yourself to a corrections officer, for chrissakes!"

"That was a guy thing, you know, like a junk measuring thing."

"Then, back in 2002, a neighbor complained that you had sexually assaulted one of her inflatable Halloween decorations.  What was that, Edwin?  A witch?  Ghost?  Let me guess--a skull?"

"Don't rightly recall what it was, officer.  Must not have been a memorable experience, is all I can say."

"You ever think of dating, oh, I don't know, maybe women, Edwin?  Or, hell, even guys.  I mean, it seems to me that'd be better than molesting inanimate objects."

"Lord knows I've tried.  Don't know what it is 'bout me that puts women off."

"Well, gee, Edwin, you think it might be the fact that you run around outside, bare-assed, coupled with your predeliction for violating plastic toys, that's turning the ladies off?  I mean, you gotta figure that sort of behavior is not enhancing your status as a prospect."

"But them blow-up thingies have their advantages, know what I mean?  They don't need to talk all the time--what is that about women, anyways--they're really flexible, and I can use them in whatever position I want.  They don't complain, 'cause there ain't no pain.  Plus, they don't cost me nothing; no dinner, no show."

"Well, couldn't you at least get yourself one of them anatomically correct, life-size dolls instead of raping the neighbor's inflatables?"

"Hell, I do that, I might as well spring for a date.  I'm trying to save myself some money, 'kay?  And it ain't like I'm hurting anyone.  I even wipe off the mess when I'm done!"

Edwin was indicted on the public indecency charge.  Bond was set at $25k.  If convicted, he could get 12 months in the slam.

Perhaps he will score a conjugal visit with one of the objects of his affection.