How to Self-Destruct

Last year, at the age of 21, Brittany Miles ended her life. Given that the life expectancy of women in Florida is 82.59, she has a good chance of being a dead woman walking for the next 61 years, maybe longer.

She is now, in a very real sense, a zombie.

On May 10, 2011, Brittany, daughter of a Hernando County deputy sheriff, mother of a young son, and former stripper, got all Lindsay Lohan, climbed into her truck, and went careening down the highway. A Pasco County deputy pulled her over in Hudson, arrested her on a suspected DUI, handcuffed her, and put her into a squad car.

In Florida, first-time DUI offenders are looking at a max of six months in the slam, $1,000 fine, temporary loss of driver's license, and a requirement to attend classes to learn why they shouldn't be DUIers. Or, they could simply get probation. It all depends on what the blood alcohol content reading is.

At the time she was placed into the patrol car, Brittany still had a future. Sure, she was going to have to spend the rest of the night in jail, hire and pay an attorney, maybe pay a fine, and have to go to school for a few hours to get her head straight. But so what? There was light at the end of her tunnel.

You would think she would accept her situation and take her lumps, wouldn't you? Well, you would be wrong, Jim Beam-breath.

Brittany managed to work one hand free of the cuffs. While the deputies were confabbing, she reached through an open squad car window and opened a door. She then ran off to her truck, hopped in, and floored it.

Sheriff's deputy Ashley Grady jumped up on the truck's running board and reached through the window to grab the keys. Brittany pushed the deputy off the truck and into the traffic lanes of Highway 19.

Highway 19, for those of you who do not live here, is one of the deadliest roads in Florida, perhaps the country. It is often either a raceway or a parking lot, depending upon the time of day. Luckily for the deputy, this was in a relatively rural area during the wee small. As it was, the deputy suffered cuts, bruises and a broken leg.

Brittany sped off, deputies in hot pursuit, and was doing 100 mph when she collided with a 67-year-old motorcyclist at an intersection in Hernando County.

You can check off the bad decisions Brittany made before doing her Danica Patrick impersonation. They alone demonstrate that her thought processes are seriously flawed. But then her brain completely locked up, earning her a shot at a Post-Partum Abortion Award.

Apprehended a second time and jailed, she called the father of her son. Her jailers recorded the conversation, during which she blamed Ashley's injuries on Ashley.

"As far as the deputy, you know, she jumped on the truck, you know what I mean? It's not like I hit her. She fell off. Like it was her decision to jump on the truck," Brittany rationalized. "She just jumped on the f*ing truck while I was f*ing driving. I mean, what was I supposed to do?"

Well, call me crazy, but how 'bout, uh, stop?

Earlier this week she pleaded "nolo contendre" to attempted murder, escape, fleeing to elude law enforcement, possession of methamphetamine and DUI. She is looking at a maximum sentence of life.

"Nolo contendre," or "no contest," means she accepts that authorities have enough evidence to convict her, but she does not admit to having done anything wrong.

It gets worse. See, the motorcyclist died. Now Brittany will go on trial in Hernando County for first-degree murder and aggravated fleeing and eluding.

Good strategy, there, Britt. I'm sure your refusal to admit guilt and your lack of remorse will weigh heavily with the judge while he ponders your sentence.