You Can Take the Hick Out of the Sticks . . .

Folks move into cities for many reasons. They want to be close to shopping. They want options for entertainment. They want cultural opportunities. They want easy access to hospitals and social services. Some even just want to get away from the smells of the country. Ever drive through Indiana in the spring with the windows down? If you have, you know what I'm talking about.

With the faddish obsession for all things "green," it has become trendy of late to try to bring the country into the city. And the livestock of choice? Chickens.

Certain Tampa residents are pressing city administrators to review rules which limit the ownership of chickens and, while they're at it, other livestock (see last week's post, "The Pig and Pvt Pyle").

"I think it's a really good thing to have your own eggs," said the vice president of a local civics association. "It's also an image thing...."

What image would that be, Farmer Bob? The image of a major metropolis awash in chicken dooky?

You know, there's a reason those rules have been in place for decades. As a professor of planning at the University of Florida explained, they were developed to limit the risks of transmitting animal-borne diseases to people.

One county commissioner scoffs at that rationale. She said the risk to public health from bird flu or other diseases is minimal to nonexistent.

"Hens don't carry bird flu," she said. "Like anything else, they have excrement. But proper hand-washing prevents any problems."

How many of your constituents do you know, Ms Commissioner, who purposely play with poultry poop? If this is the way you really want to go it would make more sense to wash your feet. In an area where flip flops and sandals are haute couture, they're the body parts that are going to need disinfecting. Are you prepared to legislate a requirement for foot baths at the entrances to restaurants? Or will it be socially acceptable to track in pollo guano as long as one's hands are clean?

She said Hillsborough County has already changed its rules because so many people were already keeping chickens illegally. Using that logic, why not legalize crack, ecstasy, heroin and crystal meth as well?

Here's a thought: So many folks run red lights; why not just do away with them?

Sue Carlton, a Tampa Bay Times columnist, has taken up the pro-chicken cause.

"In case you hadn't noticed," she pens, "chickens are hip."

"Hip?" What, they wear berets? They dig jazz? They throw raves and body surf?

"Chickens are hot," she goes on. "Chickens are all about the local movement. Their presence no longer makes yours the kind of city where folks put on their good overalls for a trip downtown."

Well, I'll grant you city folks here don't wear overalls. No, they're more apt to go about wearing cargo shorts with argyle socks and black wingtips. There's a real shortage of clothes horses here, no doubt about that.

Want to see what happens to a city that falls in love with its chickens? Drive down to Key West, which has been overrun with them for years. And when you go, heed this advice from your ol' Uncle Dave--either wear waders or stay on board the conch train.