Ask Uncle Dave

Dear Uncle Dave,

I'm the manager of a major league baseball team in Miami, capital of Northern Cuba. Recently I happened to mention how much I admired Fidel Castro for managing to survive and remain in power for as long as he did. You cannot imagine the grief I've been catching. I've been ripped by the fans and the media, and I've been suspended from my job for six games.

I don't get it. I mean, it's not like I said anything racist. I'm not Cuban, you understand, but I am Latino. I'm Venezuelan-American, for God's sake. What about free speech? Am I not allowed to say what I think without having to worry about my job? Is this fair?

Signed "OG".

Dear OG,

It's not what you said; it's where you said it. You're lucky Gloria Estefan didn't whack your head with her maracas.

What's next for you, Sparky? Go up to Harlem and sing the praises of David Duke? Perhaps go to Tel Aviv and talk about what a great guy Hitler was?

Here's an idea. Why don't you go to the nearest adult toy store and purchase one of those dominatrix contraptions--you've seen them in movies, "Pulp Fiction" being one--that has a ball affixed with leather straps. Insert the ball in your mouth and have one of your players lock the straps around your head. You won't be able to say anything stupid anymore, and that just may save your future.

Dear Uncle Dave,

I'm married and have four kids. Up until a few days ago, I was a college football coach at a top-tier university, knocking down $3.5 mil per annum. Then I ran into a perfect storm. I had a motorcycle accident while out on a ride with my mistress, a blonde hottie half my age. Next thing I know, I'm in my wife's crosshairs.

What should I do?

Signed "BP".

Dear BP,

Scrap the bike and buy a three-wheeler. If and when you find a job, that is.

Dear Uncle Dave,

I have more money than God. I was a US senator, a candidate for vice-president, and had realistic dreams of one day sitting in the Oval Office. Then my pregnant bimbo girlfriend gave birth do a daughter and my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. She found out about the affair and the kid and divorced me shortly before she died.

Now I'm about to go on trial after being charged with conspiracy and campaign finance violations. If convicted, I'm looking at 30 years in the slam! How am I supposed to deal with that?

Signed "JE".

Dear JE,

Check with Sam's Club or Costco and see if you can buy Vaseline Petroleum Jelly or some other lubricant in bulk and stock up. With your pretty boy looks and that protruding lower lip, your dance card is going to be way overbooked!

Got a question or problem for your ol' Uncle Dave? Leave it in the Comments section, and I'll run it in a future Ask Uncle Dave. Hey, I'm just trying to help.