No Country for Superman

So, I'm immersed in my favorite activity, lying on my futon and complaining, when the phone rings.

"What?  What is it?"

"Whassup, pacfan?"

"Supe!  Is that you?  Where the hell are you?"

"Dude, I'm in my fortress.  I hadda get away.  Things were gettini kinda testy for the S-guy, know what I'm sayin'?  Plus, Lois took my wig!  Won't give it back, neither.  'Powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men' apparently don't apply to male pattern baldness."

"Yeah, I heard about the wig.  What'd you do to make her wanna do that?"

"She wanted me to go to the doctor and I wouldn't go.  She saw this ad on TV about how if you have an erection over four hours after taking Viagra, you need to see a doctor.  I told her, 'Look, bitch, in the first place, I don't take Viagra, and in the second place, four hours for me is minimal.  Man of steel--get the concept!'"

"So, what are you gonna do?"

"Well, first I thought I'd just punch the old moose in the mouth and take it.  Remember Ralph Kramden telling Alice, 'Pow!  To the moon!'?  I could really do it.  What would they do, put me in jail?  Good luck with that!  And besides, it's her own fault.  If she looked like Noel Neill, or Phyllis Coates, or Margo Kidder, or Teri Hatcher, or any other mousy-lookin' 'ho' we wouldn't be having this argument.  I'd get it done in four minutes, tops.  But, no, she's gotta look like Kate Bosworth!"

"Times are tough."

"Then she's all upset because I can fly and she can't.  'It ain't fair, it ain't fair!'  So I told her it's all in the cape, and she could borrow it if she wanted.  I even put it on her and took her up to the roof to see if she'd give it a try.  Thought she'd jump off, but she got suspicious, somehow.  Damn!"

"I know, man.  Can't live with 'em; can't shoot 'em."

"Tell me about it.  Then to make my life really suck, the feds are after me now about income taxes.  They said, 'You gotta have an income.  For instance, how do you pay your dry cleaning to keep that costume all bright and wrinkle-free?'  'I walk through a car wash and then fly through the sun a couple of times.'  "Well, there you are.  Where do you get the money for the car wash?'  Can't tell them I'm really that limp wad Clark Kent and make my money being a reporter.  Folks find that out, they'd be callin' me all the time, wantin' me to show up at their brat's birthday party, take care of some loser hittin' on their daughter, wantin' me to sponsor some product or another.  My calendar is full now, what with me fighting a never-ending battle for truth, justice and the American way, and all.  'Sides, how'd that look, me selling, say, beer?  'Most interesting man in the world' my ass!  Let them get a look at me!  I do pick up some under-the-table bucks doing stunts for the movies, though, but I can't let that get out."

"Oh, yeah?  What movies?"

"The Superman movies, dummy!  Wasn't for me, they'd still be drawin' me flyin' like they did when Kirk Alyn was me.  You think that was Brandon Routh settin' that plane down on that ball field?  Or Christopher Reeve pushin' that missile into space?  Ha!  Bet he wished I was ridin' that horse for him the day he was thrown off and broke his neck."

"Aw, that's cold, Supe."

"What?  Too soon?"

I don't know.  I guess some folks wouldn't be happy even if they worked in a brewery.