Book Your North Korean Adventure Today!

How big does the message that falls on your head from up above have to be before you take heed?  How much precedent of cause and effect does it take before you realize that what you're contemplating might be a really bad idea?

MSN.com's home page reported that tour operator Kenneth Bae, 44, from Washington, has been arrested in North Korea on charges of espionage.  At the time of his arrest he had just escorted five European tourists into North Korea from China.  He had conducted such tours before and in fact possessed a visa issued by the North Korean government.

Former New Mexico governor Bill Richardson has already tried to get the North Koreans to release Bae, to no avail.  Before other bleeding heart Democrats start jostling for a seat on the next flight to Pyongyang, I thought I would see what I could do to secure Bae's freedom.  To that end I set up a conference call with Bae and dictator Kim Jong, which I recorded.

"Good evening, Ken."

"Good evening, Dave."

"Good evening, your illustriousness."

"Good MORNING, imperialist lackey.  How typically arrogant of you American running dogs to assume that just because it is evening there it must be evening everywhere."

"Sorry.  Ken, I have to ask, you knew the history of Americans traveling to North Korea, that they haven't fared well.  I mean, look at the two pseudo-journalists from that leftist manifesto Al Gore publishes.  They were arrested and sentenced to 12 years of hard labor.  Didn't that raise any red flags for you?"

"Not really.  See, they had snuck across the border.  I entered the country on a visa.  Besides, they didn't do any hard labor, did they?  Bill Clinton came over and got them.  I figured if anything like that happened to me, someone would bail me out."

"What was it you did to get yourself arrested?"

"I just took some pictures of some homeless kids..."

"Yankee devil!  We have no homeless kids in glorious Democratic North!  You take pictures, maybe photo shop them, add lies for captions!  You not arrested for taking pictures; you arrested for trying to subvert our socialist utopia by making revered leader look bad."

"If I may ask, your greatness, what will it take for you to release Ken?"

"Release?!  We NEVER release!  He eat fish heads and rice for rest of life!"

"How 'bout if we send Al Gore, or Bill Clinton, or someone like that to get him?"

"No!  We don't want any more capitalist exploiters of the masses coming here to suck up, then go home and tell us we can't build nuclear weapons!  Stay home!"

"Suppose Dennis Rodman visits again.  You seemed to hit it off with him."

"Dennis come, get T-shirt, go home!  You send Snooki or Selena Gomez!  Better yet, you send Lucy Liu!  She run fingers through Asian Afro, then maybe we talk!"

"No, you're way too much man for just one woman.  Think you can handle two?"

"Bring 'em on!  I teach 'em Jongnam-style!"

Careful what you wish for, Kimmy.  We'll send Melissa McCarthy and Gabourey Sidibe.  They'll teach you the "pancake."