The Lerner...Conspiracy?

Paranoids will tell you that just because you think someone is out to get you doesn't mean there isn't.  The same holds true with conspiracy theorists.  Just because you think that every event is the result of plotting by some nefarious group doesn't mean it isn't.

History is fraught with coincidence.  There are those who believe it is also fraught with conspiracy.  Pearl Harbor, some believe, was set up by President Roosevelt, who was desperate for a way to sway public opinion away from isolationism to wanting the US to join the war.  They point to the fact that all of our aircraft carriers were sent to sea, while outdated and obsolete battleships and destroyers were left as sitting ducks.  They also believe Lyndon Johnson turned a whitecap into a torpedo attack against US Navy vessels in the Gulf of Tonkin to get a blank check from Congress to commit combat troops to Vietnam.

In the interest of full disclosure, so you know whence I am coming, I am a card-carrying cynic.  No question about it.  I believe the scenarios described in the preceding paragraph are both plausible and probable, especially Johnson's.  I'd like to offer another possibility of conspiracy for your considered judgment.  To gather evidence in its support, I dispatched my bugbot to the law offices of William Turner, attorney for IRS official Lois Lerner.  Let's listen to their conversation....

"I tell you, Bill, they're going to push me onto the tracks for this, right in front of the Express!"

"We're not going to let that happen, Lois,  We've got to come up with a strategy that gets you off the hook."

"How the hell are we going to do that?  Look.  BO's henchmen--lackeys, really--told me to target all the redneck Tea Party groups looking for tax exemptions.  Okay, so I did.  Mission accomplished.  The Republicans were seriously handicapped going into the 2010 and 2012 elections, and BO won reelection.  Now, he expresses outrage that we did what we were told.  What's really got his shorts wedged up his nether hole is that we were caught.  I'm going to end up being the scapegoat for this, just you watch!"

"Listen, when you go in front of the Oversight Committee, plead the Fifth."

"Yeah, right.  That'd be like throwing chum into the ocean among swimmers.  Those sharks would be all over me like a wetsuit on a SCUBA diver."

"Well, you can always tell the committee what it wants to hear."

"What, 'fess up and rat them out?  Are you crazy?  That's your advice?  Not only would my career be dead, but does the word "drone" mean anything to you?"

"Okay, here's what you do.  When you appear before the committee, you make an opening statement wherein you say that you are innocent and that you will plead the Fifth instead of answering any questions."

"I can't do that!  If I make an opening statement, I de facto waive my right to plead the Fifth.  The only way I can plead the Fifth is to not say anything, anything at all!"

"You know that, and I know that.  That's the idea.  See, the committee will seize on that point of law and subpoena you to come back and answer their questions.  You'll be off the hook.  You'll be answering their questions because you're being forced to, not because you have turned against the White House."

"Brilliant!  That way I can say, look, I didn't want to testify.  I was willing to fall on my sword, but I had no choice.  What could I have done, besides either lie or again refuse to testify and go to jail?"

"Exactly!  The White House can't tell you to lie.  If you go to jail, that's even better.  You'll be a stand-up girl!  Hell, you'll be a martyr!  They'll cite you in classes for new IRS agent trainees!"

"Of course, you'll take flak for giving me the contradictory acvice to make an opening statement before pleading the Fifth.  I mean, that's such a rookie mistake in the law."

"Oh, it all depends on what the goal is.  The goal here is to keep you whole.  Besides, any lawyer who reviews this case and thinks about it will recognize our ruse for what it is--playing the suckers like a violin!"

After she appeared before the committee, Lois Lerner was asked to resign.  She told her boss to kiss off and was suspended with pay.

So, members of the jury.  Two lawyers, one the client of the other, both knowing that a witness cannot testify to something and plead the Fifth at the same time, yet the client does it anyway.

Stupid mistake or bold conspiracy?  You decide....