The Brain-Dead Tattooed

I've often said--you remember--that people who don't believe in zombies have never taught in a public high school.  Neither have they ever lived in Florida.

Granted, my definition of "zombie" differs from that of, say, George Romero or the script writers of the TV hit "The Walking Dead.  Animated corpses, of course, do not exist.  However, there walk among us those with seemingly no brain activity whatsoever, who function solely on reflex.  The scariest part is, they can breed.

Herewith cases of actual zombies as reported in the "Tampa Bay Times".

* Charles Combs, 43, has an arrest record for bank robbery.  He also has a tattoo down his forearm that reads, "MOST WANTED".  While investigating another bank robbery, police stopped by a car wash to interview employees.  One had spotted Combs running by earlier and noticed his tattoo.  That information coupled with DNA evidence led to Combs' arrest.  Charlie got 30 years in the slam.

* 30-year-old Marquell Burge was shot to death last year behind the Ninth Street Pool Hall in St Petersburg.  Witnesses said the man who pulled the trigger had a "727 tattoo on the back of his neck and had just shot pool the other day."  Dwayne Bailey spoke to police officers because he heard he was a suspect.  Guess what Dwayne has tattooed on the back of his neck.  He has pleaded not guilty to murder and is awaiting trial.  727, incidentally is St Pete's area code.  Sigh.

* In another St Petersburg case, John Andrews was charged with three counts of sexual battery against three young women.  Two of the women described the same tattoo on their attacker:  "Ride or Die".  You figured it out, didn't you, Sherlock?  Yep.  John has "Ride or Die" permanently etched on his neck.  Apparently, John likes horses.  He is now awaiting trial.

* You have to wonder if Sean Eric Roberts didn't get up one morning, look in a mirror, and say, "No, I don't look nearly dumb enough.  What can I do to really screw myself up?"  He decided to ink an outline of the state of Florida on the side of his face.  Sean was accused in 2009 of breaking into a Riverview home.  How do you suppose he was identified?

* One woman was videotaped by store surveillance cameras using credit cards she had ripped off from parked vehicles.  The cameras recorded a cartoon character tattooed on her right shoulder.  Later, when she was arrested trying to break into a car, a tank top she wore revealed the tattoo.  When she was shown the surveillance videos, she admitted the tattoo was hers.  Not exactly in the right place for a tramp stamp, is it, Chelsea?

* Another woman suspected of snatching a purse and then using a stolen credit card at a nearby fast food restaurant was caught on surveillance video at the drive-thru.  She has a large tattoo on her right thigh and a smaller one on her left shoulder.  She spotted the surveillance camera and put down the sun visor to block it, but not before she looked into it.  Did you smile for your close-up, Miss Desmond?

But the hands-down best evidence that the brain-dead actually exist comes not from Florida, but from La-La Land.

Anthony Garcia was convicted of murdering a man outside a liquor store in California.  The case had gone unsolved until a Los Angeles County sheriff's sergeant was looking through photos and saw a diagram of the murder scene and how it went down tattooed on Garcia's chest.

St Petersburg police spokesman Mike Puetz said, "The more unique [the tattoo] is, with a unique location, the better."  It also helps that most people getting tattooed don't think to themselves, "Gee, I wonder if someone will be able to identify me from this?"

Certainly criminals and criminal wannabes aren't thinking.  Otherwise, they wouldn't be criminals.