The Plot Sickens

I'm not big on conspiracy theories.  I'm ready to believe that FDR set up Pearl Harbor to turn a citizenry of doves desperately clinging to isolationism into saber-rattling hawks screaming to get into WWII, an ignoble but necessary ruse.  I'm also ready to believe LBJ used a report of a torpedo attack in the Gulf of Tonkin, suspect at the time and later thoroughly discredited, to get his blank check from Congress to wage war in Vietnam, a despicable ploy that wasted hundreds of thousands of lives and wreaked wanton destruction on whatever vestige of American innocence we had left.  But that is pretty much it.

Or it was, until the Chicago teachers' strike, which was more rigged than a WWE match and had as much suspense about its outcome as a Harlem Globetrotters vs Washington Generals basketball game.  In fact, I predicted in last week's blog, "Biting the Hand that Feeds," that Chicago's mayor would roll over for a pin faster than Jake "The Milkman" Milliken after a Hulk Hogan leg drop.

"The New York Times" reports that the Chicago Teachers Union agreed September 18 to end its strike.  Under the agreement, teachers will receive more than 17 percent in raises over four years, including pay increases for higher levels of experience and additional degrees, in spite of a $1 billion deficit next year.  What the "Times" didn't report is a phone call between Democratic Mayor Rahm Emanuel and Karen Lewis, Chicago Teachers Union president, that took place September 16.  I have in my possession what appears to be an authentic transcript of that conversation.

"Mayor Emanuel speaking."

"What the hell is going on over there, Manny?  What the hell do you think you're doing anyway?"

"Karen?  I thought I told you never to call me at my office.  And don't call me "Manny."

"Oh, bite me, you scrawny little twerp.  I want to know why you're dragging your black ass on settling this strike.  How long do you think we're going to put up with your intransigence before we bring this city to its knees?"

"Ha!  Who do you think you are, talking to me like that?  I'm the mayor of Chicago, and I don't need to listen to some frump school marm threatening me."

"Threatening?  I'm promising you, you myopic twit.  You don't settle this strike tout de suite I'll get the city employees unions--cops, firefighters, anybody else--to come in on this in a show of solidarity."

"Now, wait just a minute...."

"And then you know what else?  We'll find some little opportunistic hand puppet to run against you in the next primary.  Care to speculate about what percentage of the Democratic vote you'll get without union support?  Zero!  Zip, zilch, zug, nada!  Think about it, Manny.  Without us you get none of the working class, black, Hispanic, dead folks, or illegal immigrant vote.  Hell, you might as well start packing.  Stick a toothpick in yourself, Manny.  You're done, unless you settle this damn strike NOW!"

"C'mon, Karen.  Can I call you Karen?  I was just fooling about.  You know I had to appear to be hanging tough.  What kind of mayor would I look like if I just laid down and let you walk all over me?  I mean, this thing has gone national.  I give in too early and the national media'd be all over me like a tarp on Wrigley Field.  Of course you're gonna get what you want.  I'm just trying to save a little face, you can understand that.  Can't you?"

"You've got 24 hours, Manny.  You don't get this done by tomorrow I'm personally going to come over to City Hall and kick your skinny ass so hard you'll be farting out of your nose."

At least I think it's an authentic transcript.  Of course, I could be wrong--novel as that concept is.