School Board Soap: As the Stomach Turns

Excerpt from Dave's Definitive Dictionary of Definitions:

school board n 1.  A plank used in the construction of a school building.  2.  A wooden paddle similar in size and shape to a cricket bat usually found hanging on the wall of a school principal's office.  3.  A group of mostly lay, clueless, agenda-driven men and women elected to manage a school system.

I've spent decades going around the country trying to convince folks to do away with school boards tout de suite.  They are archaic relics from the days of the frontier, when parents formed committees to recruit and hire teachers.  Necessary at the time, they have become counterproductive to education to the point that any actual teaching that occurs in classrooms is achieved in spite of school boards, rather than because of them.

However incompetent at their raison d'etre, some school board members have proven themselves adept at using their positions to pad their political resumes, line their pockets with kickbacks and bribes, and hook up with contacts for a bit of the ol' in and out.  Case in point: the Broward County School Board.

After years of investigations dating back to 2007, a special statewide grand jury in February, 2011, concluded that if it had the power it would abolish the school board, so serious were the "malfeasance, misfeasance and nonfeasance" it uncovered by board members.  It found that some members directed contracts to friends and acquaintances, pushed unnecessary building projects, and schemed to get the children of friends and family into specific schools.

One former school board member is doing three years in the slam after pleading guilty in 2010 to one count of bribery after admitting taking payoffs.  Another is awaiting trial after having been accused of accepting money in return for helping developers win a $500,000 break on fees they owed the schoold district.

The investigation also uncovered bedroom hanky-panky between then-board member and chairwoman Jennifer Gottlieb and not one but two married Citigroup executives seeking money-making deals with the school board.  Jenny herself was married to a local judge at the time.

Jenny could probably not stand on the gold medal platform with, say, Chelsea Handler in the Promiscuity Olympics, but she could certainly make a bed-hopping run for a bronze.

Jenny's first experience servicing a Citigroup exec lasted the summer of 2007.  She discussed the potential conflict of interest ramifications of indulging in extra-marital sex with a seeker of school board business with her political consultant.

"So, what do you think?  Should I quit banging this guy, or what?"

"I know you're blonde, Jenny, but are you really that stupid?  Seriously?"

"Yeah, you're probably right.  Okay, he's history."

Jenny dumped her stud muffin.  A few months later she was playing musical beds with another Citigroup exec in hotels all over southeast Florida, an affair that lasted three years.  Then someone, perhaps a jealous lover or rejected suitor, hacked into her e-mail account and ratted her out to her long-cuckolded husband.  He filed for divorce in June.

Now, I don't mean to imply that all school boards are as morally corrupt as Broward County's.  I'm sure many are made up of folks who, however inept they might be, have their hearts in the right place and keep their hands in their pockets, their pants zipped up and their legs crossed.

I'm also sure there are others out there that are worse.  Taken a close look at yours lately, have you?