A Morality (?) Play in Three Acts

Act I.  Scene, University of South Florida President's office, 1995.  The president and the Chair, USF Board of Trustees, are meeting.

"I'm sick of USF being the stepchild of Florida's higher education.  I mean, look at UF, FSU, and UM.  Tons of press, nationwide recognition, applications from all over the country.  No one outside of Tampa even knows we exist."

"So, what do you suggest?"

"Let us ask ourselves what those institutions have that we don't."

"I give up.  What?"

"Football!  That's the ticket!  We get a football team, we're on national TV, we're in the newspapers.  Everybody will know our name!"

"Okay.  Guess the first thing we have to do is hire a coach."

Act II.  Scene, USF President Judy Genshaft's office, 15 years later.  Genshaft and Trustees' Chair meet.

"Judy, Coach Leavitt has gotta go.  8 and 5 is not going to hack it."

"Yeah, well, it won't be easy.  Jim's 95 and 57 overall.  He got us into the Big East in only 10 years and had us ranked number two nationally in 2007.  He's taken us to a bowl game every year.  Won't be cheap, either.  He's only just finished his second season of a seven-year, $12.6 million contract."

"Nah, it'll be easier than you think.  Did you see the report from AOL FanHouse?  Apparently, during halftime of the Louisville game he grabbed a player by his shoulder pads and slapped him twice in the face."

"That's terrible!  What does he think this is, Marine Corps boot camp?  Does he think he's Gunnery Sergeant Hartman?"

"Look.  Remember the bowl game where Woody Hayes clotheslined a Clemson player?  He was a legend, and they fired him."

"Yeah, but not for that.  He was fired because he lost to Michigan three years in a row.  Had he won those games he could have decapitated that kid and kept his job.  I don't know.  You really think we can fire Jim that easily?"

"Sure.  We'll go through the motions of an investigation.  It'll be iffy.  The kid isn't talking, and his dad has said the coach didn't slap him.  But we can round up plenty who'll say they witnessed it.  It'll take a little finesse, but he'll be gone in time to get someone else in place for next season."

"Got anyone in mind?"

"Matter of fact, Lou Holtz's son, Skip, is available.  Can't go wrong there!"

Act III.  Scene, Genshaft's office, present day.  Genshaft and John Ramil, Chair, Board of Trustees, meet.

"Judy, Coach Holtz has gotta go.  2 and 4 is not going to hack it.  You get my e-mail?"

"Yeah, pretty strong, John.  'Disgusting and unacceptable.  We have major problems with our football program.'  Kinda harsh, isn't it?"

"Look.  We've lost four in a row and 10 of the last 11 in the Big East.  Right now we're 2 and 4 overall and 0 and 2 in the conference.  Apparently, Skippy hasn't tapped into his dad's genes.  He's just 15 and 16 after three seasons.  We've gone from a team no one wanted to play to being a schedule-filler."

"Now, John, remember, we had a winner once, and we got rid of him.  How's that make us look?  I don't want to think about trying to sack Lou Holtz's son."

"Well, keep your fingers crossed.  Maybe he'll slap some kid."