Flotsam and Jetsam

Item 1:  News out of Chicago is that because of the worsening homicide rate, a tax of 25 cents will be placed on ammunition.  The following conversation was overheard in Promiscuous Pearl's Pool Hall and Pole Dancing Pavillion:

"Did you case the bank this morning?"

"Yeah.  Biggest haul will be tomorrow, before they ship out the cash surplus."

"Can't do it tomorrow.  We haven't even submitted our applications to purchase handguns.  It'll be at least seven days before they're approved, and then we gotta buy the guns."

"And there's another problem.  You hear they're talking about putting a 25-cent tax on bullets?  How the hell are we gonna afford that?"

"Well, we could have a car wash."

"Or a bake sale."

"You know, we could just steal the guns and ammo."

"But that'd be illegal.  Wouldn't it?"

Item 2:  Tyler Perry has taken over the Alex Cross role from Morgan Freeman.  That's like Chuy Bravo taking over Zorro from Antonio Banderas, or Justin Bieber taking over James Bond from Daniel Craig.

Item 3:  Every day I open up my "Tampa Bay Times" and read how its editors want me to vote.  With typical arrogance, they think I am too stupid to figure it out for myself.

Well, I've got news for you, Charlie Foster.  Given that our choices for president are Jimmy Carter-lite and Ronald Reagan-extra lite, I've decided to write in Dexter Morgan and Walter White.  How's that for responsibly exercising my constitutional right to vote?

Item 4:  Hulk Hogan is suing his former BFF, Bubba the Love Sponge Clem (that's his legal name) for releasing a sex video of the Hulk doing the nasty.  You probably know who the Hulkster is.  Bubba, who fancies himself a "shock jock," has a local radio show.  Imagine a redneck, TPT version of Howard Stern, but with all the talent of Honey Boo Boo and her Jabba the Hutt blob of a mother.

After years of the Hulk pestering the Sponge to let him penetrate his wife, Bubba finally agreed on the condition he could videotape the coupling.  Hulk, in anxious anticipation, let his hormones overrule his common sense and panted, "Sure!"  As for Mrs Clem, well, she had to have seen the steroid-sculpted Hulk as a huge step up from the beer-bloated Sponge.

You can guess what happened.  Yep, the sex tape was leaked and shown all over the Internet.  Bubba, who has even less credibility than Bill "I did not have sex with that woman" Clinton, denied that he leaked it.

Item 5:  One "Tampa Bay Times" columnist, who inexplicably lives in Tampa, writes, "Me, I am glad every time I see a dog on a leash downtown, because it means people actually live there."  Me?  I always thought people lived in Tampa.  Never understood it, but there they are.  Every time I see a dog anywhere, whether it's on a leash or not, I see doggie download which may or may not get picked up, depending upon whether its owner is a jerk.  I do not suffer pooch panderers who think my lawn is their mutts' toilet.

Item the last:  Speaking of dogs, an Apollo Beach resident was walking his when the mutt knocked over a sign that was partially blocking the sidewalk.  John Gallik, owner of the sign, stormed outside, thrust a knife at the resident, and threatened to cut his throat.  Standing his ground, the resident pulled his .38 revolver from his pocket, fired, and thus terminated Gallik.

I blame the mutt.