Post-Partum Abortion, DIY-Style

Chad Wolfe, 31, from West Newton, Pennsylvania, was found dead on top of an elevator car at the bottom of a shaft at Tampa International Airport.

"Hello, Chad."

"Who the hell are you?  And where the hell am I?"

"I'm Saint Peter."

"Right.  And I suppose this is Heaven."

"No, this is Heaven's gate, pardon the allusion."

"Whatever.  Why am I here?"

"Don't you remember anything about what happened?"

"Well, let's see...I remember I was on a plane flyin' to Florida with my girlfriend, drinkin', havin' a good time, when that bitch stewardess cuts me off.  Then she cops a 'tude, know what I'm sayin'?  Talkin' about how she was goin' to have me arrested when we landed if I didn't settle down.  Hell, I was just tryin' to get another drink, and she goes all Nurse Ratched on me.  Talk about a buzz kill!"

"Ah, she thought she was giving you a break, letting you slide.  Probably should have called the police.  At least you'd still be alive."

"I know, right?  So then, we get to the airport, get our baggage, head over to the elevators, and my girl, she's all anxious to get goin', you know, but I want to grab a smoke, check out the view from the top.  So she gets on one elevator to go down, and I get on another to go up.  And there I am, on the seventh floor, lookin' around; I finish my butt and walk over to the elevator.  I push the down button, and I'm waitin' and waitin', and nothin's happenin', so I pull open the door to see what's wrong, you know?  Next thing I'm fallin' through the air, sorta in slow motion-like, and now I'm standin' here."

"I gather you were pretty well sloshed from the time you got on the airplane, then got even more snockered during the flight.  A video from the airport surveillance cameras shows you walking erratically while taking a swig from a miniature bottle, and another one showing you climbing up on one of the potted plants."

"So?  I had a few drinks, sure.  I was on vacation, goin' to Florida, goin' to meet my girl's folks.  But I was cool.  I can handle my booze."

"But it wasn't just the vodka, was it?  You were also taking Xanax."

"Look.  It ain't my fault I'm here, when you think about it.  I mean, first, they serve me booze on the plane, when I'm obviously drunk already.  Then they don't have me arrested when we landed, which they should have.  Top it off, no one's supposed to be able to pull open elevator doors.  That's just invitin' disaster.  I know one thing, my folks' lawyers are gonna have a field day with this one.  They'll sue everyone--the airline, the terminal, TSA, even the maker of the elevator.  Damn shame I won't be able to enjoy any of it.  So, how 'bout it?  You gonna let me in, or what?"

"No, I don't think so.  We forgive most everything, but we can't abide stupidity."

"What now?  Demons come out of the shadows and whisk me away to Hell?  You got an elevator that takes me down?  Haw!  How ironic that'd be!"

"Hell?  No, Chad.  You've been watching too many horror movies.  No, you'll be reborn to an already overburdened Ethiopian family.  Then, if you're good before you starve to death, you'll be reborn to an Indian family of Untouchables in Calcutta.  After a few millennia of righteous living through a progression of, well, hellholes, perhaps, just perhaps, you'll be granted rebirth in some comfortable, civilized environment, like where you were to begin with before you threw it all away."

"So, this is really your fault.  I mean, with you being omniscient and all, you should have known I wasn't goin' to hack it."

"Good-bye, Chad."

"Wait!  Can I get a drink, first?"