What Are Friends For?

A friend of mine e-mailed his contacts to request we hold off on sending him anything because he was going into surgery to replace a shoulder.  I called him to wish him well, and his wife answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi.  Is Mister Smith there, please?"

"Who's calling?"

"This is Doctor Allen from the Gender Reassignment Clinic.  I'm calling to advise that Mister Smith's surgery is rescheduled for next week."

"I'm sorry.  There must be some mistake."

"Is this the Smith residence?  Does William Smith live there?"

"Yes, but he's not having...what surgery did you say he's scheduled for?"

"Gender reassignment.  You know, sex change."

"Sex change?  My husband is having his shoulder replaced."

"What?  Oh, I get it.  He didn't discuss this with you, did he?  I just assumed he had.  Wow!  This is awkward."

"Look, I don't know who this is, but my husband would never, ever undergo a sex change operation.  There's been a serious mistake, here."

"Well, he underwent all the counseling sessions, passed all the psychological evaluations.  We don't do this lightly, you know.  We make sure he really, truly wants this operation or we just won't do it."

"I don't believe this.  He actually wants to become a woman?"

"Yes, ma'am.  Said he is a, quote, lesbian trapped in a man's body.  Said he wants to experience the same pleasure that women have told him they experience with him."

"But...."

"And not only that, he said after the operation he'll be able to drive off the ladies' tee."

"Now I know this is wrong!  My husband doesn't even play golf.  Wait.  He just walked in the door.  Bill, come talk to this guy, will you?  He says you want him to replace your bulge with a camel toe."

"Hello?  Who is this?"

"Oh, hi, Bill.  How ya doin'?"

"I figured it was you.  What'd you tell her?  What's she going on about?"

"I have no idea.  Women, right?  I just called to say good luck with your surgery tomorrow."

"Yeah, uh, well, thanks."

"Don't sweat the surgery.  Piece of cake.  It's the rehab that'll be a bitch."

"Great.  Thanks for the heads-up.  Jerk."

"Hey, don't shoot the messenger.  I'm just trying to be a bud."

How's that saying go?  "With friends like me, you don't need...."?