Business Start-up Model

Decades ago, I discovered an interesting mom-and-pop operation in the frozen North that worked like so:  The owners would advertise their snow-removal business.  Customers would sign up for their service.  Snow would fall.  No one would show up to remove the snow.  More snow would fall; again, no one would show.  A few days after each snowfall, customers would receive a bill for snow removal.  I was one of those customers.

When I called to point out to the lady who answered the phone that no one had removed my snow and I had to do it myself, she said, "Oh, that happens all the time."  I cancelled the service.

The next time it snowed, I was awakened by the sound of shovels scraping on my driveway.  By the time I made it to my front door, a two-man crew was just finishing up.  I asked them what they were doing.  "Uh, removing snow?"  I told them that I had cancelled the service.  They shrugged their shoulders and left.

A few days later I received a letter from a west coast collection agency demanding payment for snow removal services that were not performed.  I answered with an explanation of why their bill was in error and a suggestion as to what they could do with it.  Never heard from them again.

But I thought, wow, what a neat idea!  Offer something, take orders, don't deliver, wait a few days and send out bills!  No personnel, equipment or maintenance costs, just the minimal overhead of advertising, billing forms, envelopes and postage.  After all, some folks don't even bother checking their bills; they just pay them.  And if someone does figure out the scam, well, just apologize for the "clerical mistake" and move on.

Think that this is the perfect business plan, that there's no way it can be improved?  Well, you're wrong, Uriah Heep-breath.

What if I were to show you how to cut out even the minimal overhead and get the money up front?  What if I'm talking millions instead of chump change?  Yeah, you'd buy that book, wouldn't you?

First, you must move to Florida.  See, Florida has what it calls the Quick Action Closing Fund.  The QACF is an incentives program that gives upfront grants to companies in exchange for promises to create x-number of new jobs.

Second, you must have a vision.  An example would be State Representative Jamie Grant's 2011 idea to develop a mobile application that would link medical, insurance and legal records for family and first responders.

Third, you must convince pursestring holders that your vision has merit.  Grant sold poverty-stricken Hardee County's Industrial Development Authority on his by promising "lots of jobs" and $26 million in net sales revenue by 2014.  All he would need, he said, is $2.5 mil in seed money.

The IDA, more excited than a ponies player with a hot tip, coughed up the bucks.  18 months later the money is gone, but no one knows on what because there is no product, no profit and no jobs.

Other examples are more egregious.  In 2009, another grant-seeker promised to build a high-tech, digital film studio in St Lucie County and hire more than 500 people at high wages.  The state cut his company a check for $20 mil upfront.  Three years later, it shut its doors and filed for bankruptcy.

If you are looking to get in on this action, better move quickly.  State Senator Dorothy Hukill is targeting QACF to reduce Florida's financial risk.

"This is an upfront sum of money," she said of the grant program, "and I'm looking to provide security for the taxpayer investment."

Better late than never, huh, Dotty?  Just do me a favor and hold off a bit while I set my own place at the public trough, will you?