Forget Disney World, Sea World, Universal, Legoland, Busch Gardens and any number of other A-list tourist traps where admission prices will run into the high double digits and, by the time your next vacation comes around, may well top $100. Allow me to offer you three Florida D-list attractions that'll cost you little or nothing to enjoy:
* Bushwacker Festival: Sound Outbackish? Well, it is, sort of. The Bushwacker Festival takes place in Pensacola. It's a three-day hoot that includes the obligatory food, crafts, and tacky souvenir vendors, a 5K run, and bands playing on two stages.
How, you might well ask, is that different from any other carnival or fair you can find in any church parking lot, Lions park, or schoolyard? See, this one is themed around the Bushwacker, an adult beverage, the main ingredients of which are rum, Kahlua, creme de coconut, creme de cacao, half-and-half, and vanilla ice cream. Take a tip from your ol' Uncle Dave: If you plan to enter the 5K run, eschew the Bushwacker to avoid having to hurl and/or limp or crawl across the finish line. Okay, Speedy?
* Possum Festival (Wausau): Come watch Honey Boo Boo wannabes compete in the Little King and Queen contest, then watch Walmartians vie for king and queen. For those of you who don't understand the festival concept, there's another 5K run to make you wish you did. Ditto the ubiquitous vendor stands.
Gotta see something unique, 'cause otherwise, well, if you've been to one of these "celebrations" you've been to 'em all. Making the Possum Festival special are the hog callin', rooster crowin' and cow lowin' contests. For those athletic elitists among you who think these are trash sports unworthy of your participation, sign up for the horseshoe pitching and crosscut sawing events. You can tell they're top-drawer; they're spelled with a "g".
* The Worm Gruntin Festival (Sopchoppy, described as being 35 miles and 100 years southwest of Tallahassee): Put this one at the top of your must-see list. And although you will get free lessons in worm gruntin (sic) from experts, let me offer you a how-to as sort of a Gruntin 101 (credits likely will not transfer):
Get yourself a stake, like the one you would use to dispatch Dracula. Pound it about six inches into the ground. Find a steel bar, maybe two feet long, three inches wide and 1/4 inch thick. Grab each end of the bar and center it on top of the stake. Rub the bar across the top of the stake to create a grunting sound.
The grunting sound imitates the sound moles make as they move underground, seeking earthworms. Worms hear this noise and surface, fleeing for their very lives. Alas, they're just jumping into the bait buckets of that royalty of worm grunting, "King" Gary and "Queen" Audrey Reville, who will sell and deliver them to fishermen. (Fun fact 1: The longest earthworm on record is a 21-footer found in Africa. Fun fact 2: Earthworms are rich in protein. Bon appetite!)
Gary and Audrey have been married over 35 years. Their first date, or second or third, involved grunting for worms. Gary usually does the grunting and Audrey the retrieving, but these tasks are interchangeable as necessity dictates. Gary comes from a long line of grunters; Audrey, proof that somewhere there's someone for everyone, has made the family business her own.
What, not interested in gruntin' for worms? Then enter Sopchoppy's version of the 5K, shop at probably the same vendor stands and kick off the clods to the same foot-stompin', knee-slappin', elbow-bendin' gut-bucket music you heard at the Bushwacker and Possum Festivals.
And, really, what would a trip to Florida be without visits to Big Daddy Don Garlits' Museum of Drag Racing, the Skunk Ape Museum, and the mermaids at Weeki-Wachee? The best part? No 5K runs!
Better make your flight, hotel and car rental reservations now. I'll be looking for your pics on Facebook and your videos on YouTube. Ya hear?
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