Once a Cracker....

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, a visionary looked at the waters of a sparkling blue bay and said, "What we need here is a pier!"  And it came to pass that a pier was built.  And the people beheld the pier and saw that it was good.

But Siddhartha tells us that nothing, neither firmament nor rock, lasts forever, and, lo, the pier became passe.  Another visionary appeared and said, "What we need to do here is replace the pier!"  And it came to pass that another pier was built, which became known as The Pier.  And the people beheld The Pier and saw that it was good.

The Pier is an inverted pyramid.  Within were restaurants, shops, a food court, a miniscule aquarium, a common area where artists might perform, and a rooftop in/out bar/restaurant from where one might watch general aviation aircraft takeoff and land, young sailors develop and practice their skills, and view the Christmas lighted boat parade, all while having a drink or three and a nosh.

But, alas, The Pier's very foundations began to crumble, and it became clear that its time had come.  Research showed that shoring up the structure and its underpinnings would cost more than the $50 budgeted for a new one.

And so the word went forth across the land that The Pier was to be replaced, and architects were invited to submit their ideas.  Three submissions, one of which was called the Lens, were selected and put to survey to obtain public feedback.  Over 70 percent of respondents favored the Lens.  You may check out its design at www.stpete.org/thenewpier.

Thus was the Lens chosen as the preferred design for a new pier by The St Petersburg Pier Competition Jury.  It was to go to the St Petersburg City Council for a vote, where passage was assured.

Then, like tweenies mobbing a Bieber concert, bikers raiding a wet t-shirt contest, rednecks convoying to a mud fest, came an infestation of malcontents calling themselves Concerned Citizens of St Petersburg.  The sole purpose of this attention-craving pestilence was to stop the Lens from being built.  Believing in government by referendum rather than representation, the group gathered petitions and found themselves a champion in the form of Kathleen Ford, three-time failed candidate for mayor (see "Tater Salad in Every Bowl!" in this blog's archives).  It succeeded in forcing the issue to a vote.

In the meantime, the mayor and certain council members who had signed off on the Lens began to back off.  Without their wholehearted and public support, and after a concerted effort by the malcontents to get out the vote, the Lens was rejected at the polls.

I interviewed Leroy the Junkman to get his take on the vote.

"So, Leroy.  How'd you vote on the Lens issue?"

"I voted NO on the damn thing!  Hell, that weren't no pier!  A pier is where you fish.  It has a bait shop, a table where you can gut and scale the fish, and where there ain't no snowbirds, tourists, and walkers jostling you and trippin' over you."

"Sure looked pretty, though.  All modern and open, with shoops, restaurants and promenades."

"Whut the hell is a promenade?  Is that something you can fish off'n?  And there weren't nowheres to feed the pelicans.  'Member that stand where little kiddies could buy fish and feed the pelicans?  That Lens looked like a damn UFO or something risin' up out'n the ocean.  That'd scare them young'uns to death!"

"You know, Leroy, by voting 'No' you were voting to build the Lens.  If you wanted to stop the Lens you had to vote 'Yes'."

"You gotta be...just so's I understand--if'n you didn't want the Lens you had to vote 'Yes', that rat?  Who the hell came up with that notion, anyways?"

"I know, right?  Only in Florida would you have to cast a negative vote to gain a positive, and a positive vote to achieve a negative.  Go figure, huh?"